about 8 years ago, I got pregnant for the first time. And I was a high school math teacher. Loved my job, and decided I was going back in 8 weeks. Then I met my baby and was instantly attached. 8 weeks?  Riiiiiightttt. I extended that to the end of the school year (4 months), then took the 2 years they were giving me, restarted my leave by having another baby back to back…. you know the story. I kept having kids, resigned from my job and I’ve been home for over 7 years now, being a mom.  I really struggled with the decision to go back to work, but I followed my heart. I have also questioned my decision various times – especially in the first 18 months of having a baby. It is a LONELY time!

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Just you and I today bud!                    (my first day at home alone!)

 

For anyone that’s been reading my blog since I was pregnant with #1, I went back and read my last post before I delivered and had to laugh,

I woke up at 2am this morning with major cramp like feeling which was totally strong. Tried to go to the bathroom but no dice. Then it kept happening about every 20 minutes. I thought it was tied to the too many scoops of Naturally Nutty that I ate last night after 9pm (I again had to sample each one). But it is now 3pm and it has not subsided – but also hasn’t gotten any faster. I am having about 1 minute of a major cramp that doesn’t go away no matter what I do and majorly hurts, goes away and comes back 15-20 minutes later. All day I felt like I was constipated (sorry TMI) but drank loads of water and ate fiberous (new word) foods. Is this contractions? I called the doctor and I’m going to go in tomorrow morning to get checked out if it continues but I have nothing else going on. I don’t think I’ll be hopping on the treadmill today! :(I ran last night and it was a really good run, except by the end my lower back/top of my butt had started hurting and lasted into the night.It was interesting trying to teach classes when one of these cramps came along and I wanted to yell out “MOTHER #$@#*(!!!!”

Now that I have a 7 and almost 6-year old, I do not even know where that time went. Having the kids so close together is probably great for them, but was insane for me! The years flew by in a blur. What happened to my babies?

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Even though they are still young, and I still have a baby, I look at the moms that are the 5-years ago me with jealousy. I want to go back!

I am lonely driving in the car alone and usually keep the kids songs on (even though, who’s kidding, it feels pretty awesome to drive and be able to think straight).

Most of the mornings that 3 of 4 kids are at school, aka my 1.5 -2 hours of quiet nap time,  I keep very busy and feel accomplished. But then, if I take a second to listen….it’s quiet. Too quiet.

I look at my former baby, #3, and she is going to be in Pre-K next year. She was just 2, and now she’s going to be in Pre-K!   She cracks me up with her imagination and perseverance.

I play dolls more than 10 minutes when my strong-willed child requests (demands?) it  … because in a few years she won’t want to play with me. Some days she doesn’t want me in the room ALREADY (already!) when she is playing!

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I stay in my son’s room just a few minutes longer… because in a few years he won’t want me to be in his room AT ALL!

I listen to my kindergartener reading for as long as she reads to finish the books, and I’ll read an extra book to her – soon she will be reading on her own and not want to listen to me reading, or want to read to me!

I rock the baby whenever she will let me, hold her tight and just watch her sleeping. Tomorrow I will wake up and she’ll be 5.

I am really trying to BE PRESENT in the moment.

I love the ten minutes daily.

Having the baby and maybe the fact that I know I am not having any more babies has totally calmed me down in many ways.  My attitude has changed: on the bad napping days, or the days where I am stuck home for nap time and can’t meet up with anyone, or the days when I have a needy kid and can’t accomplish anything. These days are long, and challenging, but I get through them much better with the realization that I am going to blink and all of them are going to be out of the house!

“The days are long but the years are short.” 

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In the end, I wouldn’t change any of my decision making. I feel fortunate to be able to be home with my kids all of this time while they are little.   I am making a conscience effort to silence my phone during the after school hours when everyone is home, and even during the day when I am playing with the two younger kids.   It IS my connection to the outside world in many ways right now – I don’t get out much! But my goal is to BE PRESENT. Will you join me?

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Comments

  1. Darla Bolton Reply

    Love this!! So true and touching. Great reminders and I’m with you! I get so sad thinking of how fast these years have gone:( silencing phone is great idea. Being more present is something I need to work on.

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